A False Belief.

Sometimes I wonder why I even bother staying in this weird virtual world. I tell myself it's for the blogging; that it's the one place I can truly be myself. I am constantly reminded that the reason I stay is far from that. Who am I kidding? Being myself? That in itself is a big huge joke. 

If the former reason as to why I bother 'staying' in this blogging community was "to be myself"; it's a whole different reason now. I am now inclined to impress, even if I don't want to. I find myself hesitating before posting anything, because what if I get negative feedback? What if someone calls me some insolent little loser? People call me variable forms of that, and still I am not immune.

Why do I put myself through that small, petty pain?

My closest guess would probably run around the jaded lines of "You've got to impress him, her, anybody!". Slowly I was, and still am, making myself a slave for trying to get positive feedback. 

When I was accepted onto MDM for trial writing, I got that pang of happiness in my chest. Finally, I could show a greater mass of people how I can be capable to write. At the same time, I will be the first to let you know I haven't done a good job of it. My topics were childlike and full of platitudes. 

The one that got published without a true finish (or true meaning)? That probably takes the cake of the words listed above.

My want for impressing people started in a quite small place, a place that grew to be inflated with drama. Almost as quickly, that place deflated into a premature PSG. Having potential, but not quite reaching it yet. If you've guessed the place as 'The Antagonist', you're right. I am -or was- the Analyst. Even from the mere beginning, I wanted to find a solution for those negative comments. I was being rather naïve, because as the cliché statement goes: "Haters will be haters!". I let myself roam loose on The Antagonist later, trying to embrace the anonymity, but always found myself flinching at the rather, hurtful comments. There are things I've said about people that I would take back, but there are also instances where I wouldn't.  Being human, I'm always quick to judge. Sometimes I am right about them, and sometimes I'm dead wrong. However, I probably will not apologize for various statements because in all reality, they are what I honestly think: I cannot say sorry for my opinions.

I can catch the gist quickly that people don't want me here. Like I'm a piece of litter that is tarnishing a rather beautiful place. I keep that single thought as a way to inflame my want to impress, to succeed, to do more. And it still exists inside me. I know a lot more people are going to dislike me now, and now that I've chosen to say what I've been meaning to say I can do nothing but sit back and allow whatever comes my way.

As much as I'd love to say that I didn't even hesitate before posting this, it's not true. Still I find myself under the influence of trying to prepare for whatever is going to come. That small desire to inspire. I'd like to end on this note:
I hope that someday I will prove myself to be a better writer than I am doing now.

Thank you.