July 24, 2012

A False Belief.

Sometimes I wonder why I even bother staying in this weird virtual world. I tell myself it's for the blogging; that it's the one place I can truly be myself. I am constantly reminded that the reason I stay is far from that. Who am I kidding? Being myself? That in itself is a big huge joke. 
If the former reason as to why I bother 'staying' in this blogging community was "to be myself"; it's a whole different reason now. I am now inclined to impress, even if I don't want to. I find myself hesitating before posting anything, because what if I get negative feedback? What if someone calls me some insolent little loser? People call me variable forms of that, and still I am not immune.

Why do I put myself through that small, petty pain?

My closest guess would probably run around the jaded lines of "You've got to impress him, her, anybody!". Slowly I was, and still am, making myself a slave for trying to get positive feedback. 
When I was accepted onto MDM for trial writing, I got that pang of happiness in my chest. Finally, I could show a greater mass of people how I can be capable to write. At the same time, I will be the first to let you know I haven't done a good job of it. My topics were childlike and full of platitudes. 
The one that got published without a true finish (or true meaning)? That probably takes the cake of the words listed above.

My want for impressing people started in a quite small place, a place that grew to be inflated with drama. Almost as quickly, that place deflated into a premature PSG. Having potential, but not quite reaching it yet. If you've guessed the place as 'The Antagonist', you're right. I am -or was- the Analyst. Even from the mere beginning, I wanted to find a solution for those negative comments. I was being rather naïve, because as the cliché statement goes: "Haters will be haters!". I let myself roam loose on The Antagonist later, trying to embrace the anonymity, but always found myself flinching at the rather, hurtful comments. There are things I've said about people that I would take back, but there are also instances where I wouldn't.  Being human, I'm always quick to judge. Sometimes I am right about them, and sometimes I'm dead wrong. However, I probably will not apologize for various statements because in all reality, they are what I honestly think: I cannot say sorry for my opinions.

I can catch the gist quickly that people don't want me here. Like I'm a piece of litter that is tarnishing a rather beautiful place. I keep that single thought as a way to inflame my want to impress, to succeed, to do more. And it still exists inside me. I know a lot more people are going to dislike me now, and now that I've chosen to say what I've been meaning to say I can do nothing but sit back and allow whatever comes my way.

As much as I'd love to say that I didn't even hesitate before posting this, it's not true. Still I find myself under the influence of trying to prepare for whatever is going to come. That small desire to inspire. I'd like to end on this note:
I hope that someday I will prove myself to be a better writer than I am doing now.

Thank you.


  1. I definitely see where you're coming from. Ever since we were little, especially being girls, we're taught to make good impressions. If we make a bad impression we tend to worry it to death whereas when we make a good impression, we don't pay it any mind. Sometimes you just have to do you & not care what others think. It's hard, especially in a society that programs us to act a certain way or look a certain way. I used to be very reserved and watched every move I made, scared that I would make a wrong one and be shunned. Now I don't even care.

    1. You just have to do you no matter what. The critics will always be there ready to nitpick every little detail. It's their job! You have your life to live and what people think of you shouldn't stop you from being who you are.

  2. Aww! Manny! You're an amazing writer! I love reading your posts! You're really talented and that's coming from a very picky reader!! :D

  3. Here I am... At ten thirty at night listening to 1D and reading a very true. I always have a vision of writing such a post and have no effort or understanding to start writing such a post. Lately I've been feeling like such a terribly amateur writer on this terribly unrealistic site. Honestly I want to be a writer as my career and I really don't know how much at a level this helps. It's just hard to speak your mind without motivation and worry about what others think. And to a level I honestly dont care. I need to learn to let it go. It's not that important and haters will be haters (or just trolls). I'm usually a paranoid perfectionist or can be. And one more thing... I knew it! I knew you were the Analyst. I think none the less of you manny.

  4. Honestly, I feel like this has been your best writing yet.

  5. Whoa, didn't see you as the Analyst! I guess that's the surprise when you realize who that anonymous is. I agree with Kasey, you are a wonderful writer, and how dare you doubt yourself of being something less than amazing! I admire you for your writing talents, so don't be afraid to speak your mind, because in my eyes, what your doing is working. They are just haters, and obviously people who think putting others down is the way to go, but clearly, its not.

  6. Your an insolent loser.

    jkjkjk ur an ahhhmazing writer
    ur like the best writer on MDM :)

    xx Allie

  7. You are an AMAZING writer!


  8. Writing comes from the heart.

    It does not mean to impress anybody but to merely give in to what your heart says and wants.

    I thought you did just that. I want to see more of you on here.

  9. Is this like Confessions-of-who-i-am week?? Audrey is a boy and you're anaylst..What elsse?

  10. I think the only reason you're famous is because of that gossip girl person posted about you and everyone felt bad for you.

  11. I think you've just written something amazing, as you always do. It's tough not to doubt yourself, especially in a community like this one, but at the end of the day, you've got to take it with a grain of salt. It's like performing; not everyone is going to give you a glowing review, but you've still put your heart and soul into something and tried to create something that speaks to others.
    Manny, you're a great writer, and I hope you stick around for a long time.


  12. Don't listen to those haters. You're an amazing and talented writer. And OMG you are the analyst?! O.o


Nice to see you back! Oh wait. .. .who are you again?